Metal Gear Santa
by Marie Nomad
Summary: Snake, Otacon, and Sunny have to help out a desperate woman in the mall that requires Snake's skills of disguise! It's a little late but it's a Christmas fic.


This takes place after MGS4. I do not own any of this.

Metal Gear Santa

By Marie Nomad

It was chaos as Snake and Otacon stared around them. "You should've stayed home, Otacon." Snake whispered as he held up a stick.

"I will never leave you, Snake." Otacon vowed. "Besides, I heard about the latest episodes of Foxhound are coming here."

"I can't wait to see Santa! We have to hurry to get the Megatron 45X2 processor." Sunny gushed as she held up her envelope.

Snake moaned as he looked across the mall. All around the duo, the parents with kids were walking around with huge stacks of presents. "I can't believe that Big Boss has an anime series about him." Snake glared at the anime mini dvds in Otacon's hands.

"He's still popular even after the fall of 'you know who'. I thought it would be fun."

The old man grumbled. "Some things never change."

All of a sudden a fat old man stumbled out of the door that was marked 'employees only'. "Scuse me? Ha ya seen mah sley?"

"Santa's drunk." Sunny whispered in Otacon's ear. "Is he okay?"

"Don't worry, he's a Santa impersonator. He talks to kids for the real guy while he's off making toys." Snake quickly explained.

"Oh." Sunny sounded slightly disappointed.

"But the real Santa will get your letter no matter what." Otacon vowed.

"Oh."

"You're fired." A woman said as she held her head. "Great, I have a ton of kids waiting for Santa and he's sauced. I just need some old guy for a couple of hours."

"We can do it!" Otacon volunteered.

"'We'?" Snake repeated.

"You will?" The woman gushed.

"Hey!" Snake interrupted. He pulled Otacon to the side and whispered, "I am not going to be Santa."

"Why not? It will be fun."

"I am nowhere near Santa's weight."

"That's why they have stuffing. Come on. Think of the children." Otacon urged as he gave the ex-soldier the best wide eyes that he could give.

"If you don't, who will tell Santa about what the kids want?" Sunny spoke up as she gave the same wide eyes.

"I can't."

XXX

"This should do it." Natalie said as she fitted the Santa suit on Snake and added the stuffing. "I can't see that scar with the makeup. You look nice but try to smile. You look more like Scrooge than Santa."

Snake glared at Otacon who was in the elf outfit. "Otacon."

"I am going to be an elf!" Sunny gushed as she danced in her outfit.

"You are going to make a lot of kids very happy, Sunny." Natalie said as she patted Sunny on the head. "You have to get your Grandpa to cheer up."

Snake moaned as he held his head.

"He's not my grandpa. He and Uncle Hal raise me."

"Oh really?"

"They have been together forever!"

"Ah…" Natalie said as Snake started to wish he had his Octocamo on. "Don't worry, I am very open minded you and 'Otacon'."

"Heh…" Otacon wasn't sure what to think but it would be better to lead her on. "Yeah."

"Otacon!!!"

"Relax. Have some fun. It's Christmas. Don't you ever visit Santa when you were a kid?"

"The last time I met up with a Santa was when I was five and I shot him with a bb gun."

Natalie stared at Snake. "You shot Santa?"

"He wasn't real!"

"That's no excuse. Now, try to behave."

"Ho ho ho."

"Let's go and make some dreams come true!"

XXX

"And I want a microcircuit mega enhancer for my CPU… a deluxe keyboard with optional voice interface… an optical security system…"

"And how old are you, kid?"

"Eight and a half."

"I better write that down." Sunny started to add on to the list.

"Kids these days…" Snake muttered.

XXX

"I want my very own biolab! I want the state of the art stuff! My very own gene splicer, a cryogenic chamber, and a really cool lab coat!" A ten year old announced.

"And what do you want to do with this lab?"

"Grow my very own army of Big Bosses!"

"Trust me on this, it won't work. I'll give you a toy soldier."

XXX

"I want my very own baby brother." A little five year old girl said.

Snake shook his head. "I'm not into giving babies. That's what mommies and daddies are for."

"I know. I want you to give Mommy and Daddy some help. I brought a catalog." The girl reached into her pocket and gave Snake a page. Even with his bad eyes, he could tell that no little girl should have that.

"Why is that lady all tied up, Santa?" Sunny asked.

"That's grown up toys." Snake said as he shoved the page in his pocket.

"HO-" Snake and Otacon's eyes bulged as the girl's mother blushed brightly. 'Santa' cleared his throat and said, "We only make kid toys not adult toys. Don't worry, I'm sure that you will have your baby brother soon enough."

XXX

"This is stupid." Meryl muttered as she, Campbell, and Johnny were getting some last minute Christmas shopping and they had ended up next to the Santa line.

"Santa!" Johnny gushed.

"I… how can you be so excited about some old guy in a suit?" Meryl said as she crossed her arms.

"Well, it's the Christmas spirit. Don't you have some in there, Meryl?"

The redhead blushed as she closed her eyes. "Yes, but I don't like Santa."

"But, how can you not like Santa Claus?"

"She never liked Santa." Campbell recalled.

"I had a bad childhood experience with a Santa." Meryl explained.

"But… how can we teach our son about the joys of Christmas if his own Mom doesn't like Santa?" Johnny said as his eyes watered.

Meryl shook her head. She love Johnny but she swore that he looks and acts younger than he really is. On the other hand, that was far better than looking and acting older than his actual age.

"You can handle this Santa, Meryl." Campbell supported.

"I… wait; you want me to go to this Santa right now? No! That's… I'm a grown woman."

Johnny gave his teary wide eye look.

XXX

"As soon as I give birth, I am so going to kill you." Meryl said as she and the men waited in line. "We are the only ones in line without children."

"Well, I could use my resources and track this guy down." Campbell offered.

"Very funny." Meryl started to feel funny. She was going to talk to some old guy and face her Santa fears. She was a soldier, she should not be afraid of an old man. Why did she let Johnny talk her into something so foolish? Maybe, he was right. They are going to raise a family and she shouldn't be afraid of Santa.

"Meryl?"

"Oh no." Meryl found herself next to Santa who sounded too much like Snake. "What are you doing here?!"

"Talking to kids. You're very early." Snake said as he looked at Meryl's stomach.

"Ha ha. My darling husband made me came to talk to Santa since he wanted our kid to not be afraid of Santa."

"Ah. Don't worry; I'm a jolly old fellow." Snake talked right into Meryl's stomach. "How come that you are afraid of Santa?"

"Let's just say that Dad had gotten a Santa to come to me when I was four and I took his eye out."

"You mean you gave him a black eye?" Otacon asked.

"No." Meryl remembered what happened.

"_Merry Christmas." A Santa said as four-year-old Meryl stared at him. He was pretty weird looking with that weird eye. "I heard you were a good little girl." The old man leaned closer._

"_EEEKKK!!!" She screamed as she slapped him and then grabbed his face._

"_MY EYE!!!" Santa yelled as a fake eye popped out of his face and into the girl's hand. _

"_BOSS!" Campbell rushed to his niece as she cried. _

"_That's it! No more playing Santa for me." Santa said as he put on an eyepatch._

"I haven't looked at a Santa the same way ever since." Meryl said as she blushed brightly.

"Ew." Johnny and Otacon said at the same time.

"It was a fake eye. My… supervisor agreed to play Santa and he had an experimental fake eye."

"You mean-" Snake paused. Big Boss and the Colonel had a past together and as far as he knew Big Boss was the only one with only one eye.

"Yes."

"Wow."

"I know."

"I can't believe you got him to be Santa."

"Tell me about it. He's great with kids."

"Who's he?" Johnny asked.

"His… father." Otacon answered.

"But his father is… whoa." Johnny's eyes bulged and then he looked at Meryl who started to feel more embarrassed about her Santa experience. "Meryl, you are amazing to do that."

"Let's just go." Meryl's face turned as red as her hair.

"Don't take out my eye too." Snake waved as the three left.

XXX

"Here you go." Snake said as he handed out another candy cane. After the scary ones are through, there was some nicer and somewhat more normal kids start coming. It was like his missions in reverse. Usually, his missions have him deal with weak fighters first and somehow end up fighting more difficult soldiers. He didn't know why, Otacon think that it was like a video game which he doubts.

"Okay, who's next?"

"Excuse me?" A middle aged woman said as she helped a boy up. "This young boy thinks that he's a Pokemon so he only speaks his name."

"Raymond! Ray Raymond!"

"So, you want a Smash Brothers PokeEdition and a matching outfit?"

"Raymond ray ray?"

"Of course I can understand you. I know all languages."

"Ray!"

Otacon's jaw dropped. There was no way that Snake could have known what that kid was thinking. "Well, he is Sn- I mean Santa after all."

After the kid left, Otacon leaned in and whispered, "How did you-?"

"Just a little something I picked up on my travels. Shhh."

XXX

Raiden felt a little overwhelmed as he, Rosemary, and Little John stood in the long line. "I can't believe that Snake and Otacon are going on some mission and it's almost Christmas! Snake's turned into a scrooge. And where can we get fresh fruitcake! They don't exist!" He lamented.

"And what did you do last Christmas?"

Raiden looked down at his wife and turned his head. He had to admit it, he didn't really celebrate Christmas.

"Hmmm… do I have everything?" John asked as he showed Rosemary his list.

"Yes, don't worry, Santa will know exactly what you want." Rosemary offered.

"What did Santa get when you were a kid?" John asked his father.

"I… never really saw Santa." Raiden admitted. "When I was a boy, I never celebrated Christmas. At least, not that I remember."

"You should talk to Santa then." John said as he stepped behind Raiden.

"What?"

"Sit on his lap and talk to him. You were good."

"That's a wonderful idea!" Rosemary gushed as she took his hand.

"I can't sit on an old man's lap!" Raiden yelled and everyone looked at him.

Ahead of them, Otacon and Snake saw them. "Otacon." Snake grumbled.

"I see them." Otacon ducked to the side and came back with long silver hair and fake pointed ears.

Snake raised an eyebrow.

"I was carrying them around just in case."

"Right."

"No." Raiden whispered as they came closer.

"Please." John pleaded as he looked up with his wide eyes.

The former ninja took a deep breath and came up to 'Santa'. "Hi."

"Ho ho ho." Snake said in his best baritone voice.

Raiden looked at John and then at Rosemary. "I'm sorry." He promptly sat down on Snake's lap. "RAIDEN!"

"Sn- Saint Nick?!" Rosemary caught herself as she blushed. She didn't know this was the 'mission' that Snake and Otacon went on.

"What are you doing in my lap?" Snake growled.

"I never sat in Santa's lap before. He made me." Raiden pointed to John. He haven't been this embarrassed since he was forced to run around naked during the Big Shell incident.

"Oh for the love of… so, what do you want for Christmas, Jack?"

"I don't know."

"Well, just send me an email and get off my lap! You're killing me!"

XXX

"Are you really Santa?" A young boy asked.

"Yes."

"Why do you look different from the other Santas?"

Snake pondered. "Well, I can possess lots of willing people at once using nanomachines. Don't worry, I only do it once a year."

"Uh huh. How do you travel all around the year in only one night and into all those houses?"

"I travel through radar and light through all the radios and electronics. The time zones helped too."

"How do you live for over five hundred years?"

"Lots of will power and healthy food."

"How do you know what every kid wants?"

"Internet."

"Oh."

XXX

"Thank you so much for your help. You can keep the suit." Natalie said as she handed Snake and Otacon a pair of checks. Snake had gotten out of the suit and makeup and had everything in a duffle bag.

"No problem. It was kinda fun. Bad for the knees though." Snake rubbed his legs.

"Maybe, you can do it next year."

Snake and Otacon looked at each other uncomfortably. They both know that it was practically impossible. "I'm not feeling too well but if I can, I will." Snake shrugged.

"All right. Merry Christmas."

"Bye." Snake sighed as he, Sunny, and Otacon left. The mall was closing and they haven't done what they need to do. "Sunny, I'm sorry we didn't get that processor thing we came for."

"That's all right. I can order off of the Internet. I had lots of fun and you get to help out Santa." Sunny said as she took Snake's hand as she smiled. "I love Christmas."

"Yeah, me too, Sunny."

The End


End file.
